Penis Enlarging Metric System (PEMS™)

The primary problem with penis size is related completely to math and measurement standards throughout the world.  American men are particularly affected by numerical penile envy because the old imperial measurement of inches is used to determine a body's sizes.  Don't give in to spam messages, and purchase pills with dangerous and ineffective chemicals in them, because you can now use the non-invasive and 100% guaranteed safe PEMS™. The key to PEMS™ is the SI Metric system.  Why complain about a lack of inches, when you can have TWICE as many centimeters. You can go from 5 inches to 12.7 centimeters, OVERNIGHT!  A math neophyte can easily see that 12.7 is more than twice as big as 5. The women will flock to you by the tens, hundreds, and thousands even, instead of only by the dozens.  Your new metric lifestyle will also make you more attractive to European, Canadian, Australian, New Zealand and many other SI women too! Don't resort to strange potions Technical explanation of the PEMS process: When you first get the PEMS™ kit, throw away any non-metric measuring instruments in your home, and using the "inches" side of the PEMS ruler, measure the part of your body you want to enlarge. Next simply go to bed, and when you wake up, read your PEMS™ guidebook to find the next step which is as follows: Fold the "inches" side of the PEMS ruler out of sight, or cut it away into the trash, then measure your newly numerically enlarged part. Presto!  You're now more than twice as big numerically*! Impress your partner with your new ginormous metric numerical size.  Insist that your penile length only be referred to in metric to maintain the effectiveness of PEMS. *The PEMS™ does not promise numerical doubling for males with a micro-penis of less than 1 inch.

I take the following forms of payment only [in the equivalent value of the winning bid price + shipping]. Any method not electronically tracable, must be delivered in person, as per new eBay rules on paying with cash.

• Monopoly money [exchanged at 0.0005% face value]
• Canadian Tire money [at face value]
• Traveler's cheques
• Shiny beads, trinkets, or gold coins
• Chocolate bars
• Mexican Pesos, Japanese ¥, and even European Euros.
• Australian $, UK £, Canadian $, coins or Money Orders.
• American $ cash preferred.  Lots of it please.
• PayPal balance transfers in US$ are accepted if you don't have any of the above payments to offer, and are a boring fuddy duddy.  NO CREDIT CARDS
• All legal currency must be dated from after the year 2000, since I don't want it to have the Y2K bug.  I prefer foreign cash, but you are welcome to pay with any option here.
• I will put your separate auction items in one package, to save you money.  Weight and thickness restrictions of the package may limit how many auctions you can combine.

Here are some comments about my auctions: "If you'd sold the rocks in your head, you'd be a millionaire by now." - Medicine Hat, AB "The finest quality used junk I've ever seen on the Internet..." - Springfield, IL "I love you... will you marry me?" - Kamloops, BC "I laughed, choked and water backed through my nose." - Victoria, BC "If he would auction off a chance to slap him upside the head I'd be sure to be highest bidder." - disturbingauctions.com user " Finally, somebody has done something to protect our precious cat resources from Secret Government Mind-Control Rays." - Dave Barry - Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary

Sincerely Stern Warning to deadbeats:
    No Non-Paying-Bidders please! If you buy and back out, I will hunt you down and taunt you to within a centimeter of what the local laws allow.  I will then send your name to a collection agency, and hired goons will knock on your door every evening interrupting your TV watching or intimate moments.  So please don't bid if you are looking for a thrill, it just isn't worth missing the end of your favourite program.
    Refunds only if you've not used the product.

Right now I'm thinking you want to contact me and ask me if I'm serious.  Let me assure you that I take selling on the Interweb completely seriously and will treat your question with the utmost professionalism.  So if you don't email me to ask a question, you are being a poop head.

Sorry to keep going on like this, but I just remembered that if you don't leave feedback for me, I'll cry.

No genitals or animals were touched in the making of this listing.
Seriously.
This listing Creative Commons Some rights reserved computer_saskboy 2006